hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
