I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
