From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
