I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
