Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
