Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
