So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
