He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
