theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
