i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
