his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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