did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
