we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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