Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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