I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
