I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
