I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
