I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
