Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
