she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
