God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
