the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
