Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Send help, water and tortillas.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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