I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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