I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
we're so committed to being not committed
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