I just pynch a tree in the face
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
