remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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