The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
