I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
