What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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