yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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