He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
