when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
