The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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