dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
