why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
