There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
