if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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