Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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