bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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