If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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