Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
