Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
