just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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