Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Randomize
