Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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