He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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