garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
