If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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