this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just found puke in my bra..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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