Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
