I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
